SMART PHONES, STUPID F*#@&* OWNER

Back when I was in high school I didn’t want a phone. I would think to myself, "I really don’t need to be in contact with everyone at all times, do I?" Not a surprising stance at 17, I longed for that chance to disappear from my parents. There was only so many times I could give them fake friends names before they’d catch on. It helps that I was from a town with more cows than people, so the cell phone could wait until I went off to college.

The cell phone was originally a great invention; the cell phone was the catalyst for the drunk dial. And let me tell you, when I went to college we were still discovering how devastating a drunk dial can be. I’d say the cell phone was the single best conduit to my sexual mobility in college. And we didn’t have the all the facts we have today. They call it a crackberry for a reason; technology is addictive. If I was enamored with bejeweled on my old RAZR, I damn near ruined my Joe Boxers when I discovered the smart phone generation. Throw in e-mail, games, Internet, If it came with an ivag attachment I’d be set.

Now I said the cell was originally a great invention because originally it was. But a funny thing happened when our phones got smart, our people got stupid, and our manners went way out the window. There are just some situations where talking on your cell phone is not appropriate. 1) During a movie at any time, Even if it’s to say “Yo dude, I’m in a movie, I’ll call you after.” Doesn’t voicemail basically communicate the same message? 2) In an elevator, because when I’m stuck in there with you, I could care less about what you and your girl friends are up to tonight.

So I, like half of Los Angeles, have an iphone. It is true, whatever you want they have an app for that. I found it too difficult to have my hand form a gun when I mimic shooting myself in the head, well luckily there’s an app for that. When I’m hungry, it tells me where to eat. When I’m tired, it helps me get to sleep with the soothing sounds of the ocean, and when I need to wake up it has an alarm for that. The iphone does AMAZING things, except for one - make phone calls. I live in the heart of Hollywood and I’m hanging one arm out the window trying to get enough bars.

The iphone does have some other drawbacks. Here’s one you might not think about: I like most, carry my phone with me at all times in my pocket; I like a lot of people tend to fall asleep spontaneously. Often to be awoken by a buzz in my pants around, say 1 AM. Now there are two types of people in this world: pessimists and optimists, I happen to consider myself the latter. So I always assume it’s a booty call text. And my heart races for those few moments before I pull it out only to realize Amazon is offering 25% off digital cameras. What’s sadder still is I can look at the cameras way longer than I last with a hookup. It’s certainly easier explaining to the computer why you can’t buy it as opposed to a hookup.

With all this social network bullshit, facebook, twitter, you’d think it’d be drawing us closer, but now it’s easier just to casually ease-drop into someone else’s life via twitter or facebook. They never have to know you were watching. Yes, I know when I put it like that it sounds creepy, but essentially Facebook is for people who are way too concerned with the details of other people’s lives and don’t have time to actually converse in order to get to know one another. Yes, I know what that my High School girlfriend just got her second divorce. But what if natural selection would have want me to lose touch? And in a sense, I have lost touch. I will never message or poke that ex-girlfriend, instead I watch her lead an average American lifestyle from 3,000 miles away.

Point is, we have these super smart phones with thousands of functions and yet we rarely utilize the most important feature: the call. We tweet, we facebook, we e-mail, text, anything to avoid actual phone contact. Which might I add is a full step away from face-to-face meeting anyways. On Blackberry they have the BBM feature, which is a nice touch. Here’s one feature of the blackberry I don’t get and that is the PING feature. For those that don’t know it does exactly what it sounds like, it buzzes your friend annoyingly. It’s like a giant sign that reads: “FUCK YOU, YOU’RE NOT PAYING ME ENOUGH ATTENTION.”

Another way to get their attention: TRY CALLING THEM.